Day 28~ 31 Day Challenge

Day 28~ 31 Day Challenge

Something/someone you miss (can be multiple people).

This blog would be extremely long if I listed all the people or things I miss. So I’ve decided I am going to write about 3 particular people and an anonymous person.

The first person I am going to write about is my Mom. I only got to spend 17 years with my Mom. Definitely not enough time for someone so young (as I was). I was just coming into my own skin. My life drastically changed that day. It aged me so much more than someone my age. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always been young at heart. I felt like I had to “man up”. I was this kid just celebrating his 17^th birthday, to a 17 year that had to make adult decisions. I was/am so lucky that I had my Mom for the years, that I did. My Mom taught me so much (at the time I would have never let her know, I mean I was 17, I knew everything). I am definitely my Mother’s son. I laugh like her, I get my sense of humor from her, I got my passion from her, my compassion from her, (this may seem weird) I have the same nails as her, thin yet razor sharp. I have the same temper as her. I will go NY/Bitch on your ass in 3.5 seconds. All those things I get from her. One thing that comforts me is that I know she knew all this before she passed.

I never “came out” to my Mom, but she knew (believe me a mother knows) but I remember one time someone was picking on me and I remember as if it were yesterday her saying to me “Whatever you are, whatever you do, I will always love with you”. I may have forgotten her smell, or how she did some things. Those words, those words will forever be in my heart, mind and soul. They are embedded in my mind like a really good dream or as if it were written in the stars. I know that my Mom sent me angels too, she sent me strong, smart and beautiful women to stand in for her. I am so blessed with the women in my life. You know who you’re. <3 I miss my Mom daily, but all I have to do is think of her and the sadness fades and I remember the wonderful times we shared. I smile for the good times, I do that because I am my Mother’s son, and she would have done the same exact thing.

The second person I am writing about is Joe. Joe is my best friend Angela’s brother who passed away. Joe was this amazing being, that I am still in utter shock that I was so blessed to have had in my life. Joe taught me so much. Especially love. Joe loved me before I loved myself. Even though Joe had his own demons, he still made everyone he came into contact feel loved, feel special, and feel alive. Like many who know me, Joe knew I was gay (I wouldn’t say before I knew) but he embraced me and loved me like I was someone in his family. Even as Joe lay in his bed basically dying, he still comforted me. He still told me loved me, or held my hand or let me do goofy things to him. I made him pretty while he was in the hospital. I was with him till his very last breath, even then I couldn’t let go. I stayed and held his hand. He made this huge impact in my life. Joe was my brother. And my heart still aches. This may sound awful but I am telling the truth. I never grieved as hard and as bad as I did for Joe. (My cousin Janie put it into perspective for me, I just grieved differently). It was like a huge piece of me was taken away. I had to LIVE, I had to go on (never move on), I had to let his beautiful life flourish through me. Joe is definitely someone I look forward to seeing again in Heaven. I want to sit and hold his hand.

The third person I am going to write about is My Grandma Austin. I was such a Grandmas boy. We had so many special moments together. I spent a lot of time at her house growing up. I remember watching TV with her, playing games, listening to her stories and her making me “My muffins”. My Grandmothers love was so genuine, unconditional, and she treated me as if I was the greatest gift God ever gave her. Don’t get me wrong, my Grandma loved ALL of her Grandchildren. We just shared this special bond that is unexplainable. She knew me through and through. I can’t even explain the impact my Grandma made in my life. Words wouldn’t be enough. They wouldn’t do her any justice. The only thing I can do, is continue her legacy within myself and our family. My Grandma would kick each and every one of us in the ass for how things have changed since she passed. But we will make it, we will survive. We are Austin’s one way or another.

Finally I want to write about “anonymous”. I can’t believe how time and distance changed us. You were supposed to be there forever. You were supposed to make me realize the stupid choices I made. You were supposed sit side seat with me till we went to Heaven. You were supposed to remind me of who I was. You were supposed to look past my flaws and mistakes. We were supposed to grow old together. You were supposed to be there. But you aren’t here, you’re gone and I am just as much to blame. I should have fought harder. I should have been honest with you. I should have done a lot of things. One thing I would have NEVER said to you “We only want family here, I mean your family, but you’re not”. You broke my heart that day, you shattered my dreams and I know now that in my heart that it can’t be fixed and it will never be the same. Like I said though, I am just as much to blame. But as I sit here, typing this, crying my heart out. I know that I could never ever hurt you that way or even hate you. I wish you nothing but love, success and happiness. I hope that one day we can sit together, and smile for the good memories and eventually try put both of our hearts back together. I miss you.

There are so many people I could write about, but I would be here for a long time. I miss most, and I cherish the time and memories. I have to go now, I have to compose myself. I have to stop writing. I am drained. This was a very hard blog for me to write. Most likely the hardest blog I’ve ever had to write.

I love you all,

Nick xoxo