C'est la vie 2011

I know I haven't blogged much over this past year.

This year was very mute, compared to previous years. Don't get me wrong some pretty phenomenal things happened this year. I just feel, I didn't give it my all. Plus I feel like this year was wrapped into a lot of negative things. I want to end this year on a positive note, and make sure my next chapter in life is more positive and something I can look back on in 50 years and I say "Yea I did that" and have no apologies.

I am not going to "try" to make change, I am going to make change. Like a good friend told me not to long ago "When you say try, you're already setting yourself up for disappointment". I need to be the change that I want. I need to focus on the things that really matter. I need to focus on the people that matter. I need to be the person I know I can be. I am not settling.

2012 is going to be a year of defining. Going above and beyond, and not worry about falling, because with falling you have to pick yourself back up. I am tired of being scared of change. If anything "change" should be natural for me, it should be a close friend. So why I am so afraid?

2012 is going to be the year I emancipate ME. I have to focus on the directions I want my life to go. I have to focus on mine and Mikes future and make sure that the positive choices we make together will benefit us. Even if I have to struggle and strive, I know I can do it. I was uniquely made. I've been to hell and back, with a smile on my face. I am a survivor, I am a strong minded person, I am more than the clothes I wear, the bag I carry, the things I have.

Now don't get me wrong, I will always be silly, I will always be upfront and I will always be me. I feel at this age, the things that mattered 10 years ago, don't matter now. Some of those things never mattered at all. I am like a kid at a toy store, I don't know what I want, I just know I want something. Well those things are starting to make more sense to me. Grandma was right "With age, comes wisdom and what is in the dark will come to light".

I have expectations for 2012. For myself, my loved ones and the new chapter I am ready to begin.

No more fear of flying. It's now or never.

Plus (I know I say this in many blogs) I have the best spouse, friends and family a person could ever ask for. There would be NO ME, without them!

I will end this blog with blessings to you all. I wish the best for you all. Hard times will come, and hard times will go. Lessons will be learned. You may fall, but you will get back up. And if you need a helping hand, I will be there.

I love you all.

Nick

p.s My writing bug is back. Thanks to my "supporters" and my readers <3

Day 31~ 31 Day Challenge~ FINAL Day

Day 31~ 31 Day Challenge~ FINAL Day

Post a picture of yourself on the 31^st day, and explain how you feel.Today

I am feeling pretty good!

Last night my cousin sent me a picture of my Mom(I received it today) . She looked so beautiful. My cousin Janie said the picture is from when my Mom was 18-19 and it was taken in my Grandparents back yard. I don’t have many pictures of my mom, so when I receive one, it’s like a rescued treasure. Mike is going to blow it up for me. We have his Parents and my Mom’s graduation pictures, we’re going to buy some really nice frames and hang them in our home. We are moving forward in our future together.

The next few months are going to be hectic and we have a lot to get done. It will all be worth it. It’s scary, but I am staring it dead in the eyes. Change (for me) is extremely hard, but as I get older it is getting easier and easier. Plus I will miss Mama D and Papa D tremendously, but how Mama D and Grandma talk every night, we will make a similar ritual =)

Celebrating my BFF’s birthday this weekend. Mike and I have a lot to do around the house. We have a busy weekend planned.

I bought 5 pound of bananas. LOL!

This Challenge was a blessing in disguise. I am back to writing. My creative juices are flowing. I am going to write, write and write some more.

Until Next Time,

Nick xoxo

p.s Stay Tuned

Day 30~ 31 Day Challenge

Day 30~ 31 Day Challenge

Your highs and lows of the month of your 31 day Challenge.

I would have to honest say that I didn’t have any lows for this Challenge. I am really proud of myself for doing this Challenge and completing every task, every day. I am honestly happy for this Challenge, because I feel like I can really get back into my writing. It was like I had lost my mojo when it came to it.

My best friend had my previous blog turned into a book for my 30^th birthday. I’ve literally read it like 4 times. It is one of my most prized possessions. I mean every word I have ever written in my blog is in a BOOK! How cool is that? After reading it and re-reading it, I was in shock (with myself) that I hadn’t really blogged in almost a year. I feel like I let myself down and that I missed documenting my amazing adventures. That was then, this is now. I have a new outlook, new adventures and more of my story to tell. So stay tuned, you never know what will happen with me!

All my love,

Nick xoxo

Day 29~ 31 Day Challenge

Day 29~ 31 Day Challenge

What are your goals for the next 30 days?

1. Continue writing

2. Continue losing weight

3. Try to quit smoking

4. Receive my CNA License

5. Organize more things in my home

6. Spend some time with my peeps

I am not setting myself up for failure. I will put my best foot forward. If I slip, I will pick myself up and try again. Never quit, quitting!

My very best,

Nick xoxo

Day 28~ 31 Day Challenge

Day 28~ 31 Day Challenge

Something/someone you miss (can be multiple people).

This blog would be extremely long if I listed all the people or things I miss. So I’ve decided I am going to write about 3 particular people and an anonymous person.

The first person I am going to write about is my Mom. I only got to spend 17 years with my Mom. Definitely not enough time for someone so young (as I was). I was just coming into my own skin. My life drastically changed that day. It aged me so much more than someone my age. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always been young at heart. I felt like I had to “man up”. I was this kid just celebrating his 17^th birthday, to a 17 year that had to make adult decisions. I was/am so lucky that I had my Mom for the years, that I did. My Mom taught me so much (at the time I would have never let her know, I mean I was 17, I knew everything). I am definitely my Mother’s son. I laugh like her, I get my sense of humor from her, I got my passion from her, my compassion from her, (this may seem weird) I have the same nails as her, thin yet razor sharp. I have the same temper as her. I will go NY/Bitch on your ass in 3.5 seconds. All those things I get from her. One thing that comforts me is that I know she knew all this before she passed.

I never “came out” to my Mom, but she knew (believe me a mother knows) but I remember one time someone was picking on me and I remember as if it were yesterday her saying to me “Whatever you are, whatever you do, I will always love with you”. I may have forgotten her smell, or how she did some things. Those words, those words will forever be in my heart, mind and soul. They are embedded in my mind like a really good dream or as if it were written in the stars. I know that my Mom sent me angels too, she sent me strong, smart and beautiful women to stand in for her. I am so blessed with the women in my life. You know who you’re. <3 I miss my Mom daily, but all I have to do is think of her and the sadness fades and I remember the wonderful times we shared. I smile for the good times, I do that because I am my Mother’s son, and she would have done the same exact thing.

The second person I am writing about is Joe. Joe is my best friend Angela’s brother who passed away. Joe was this amazing being, that I am still in utter shock that I was so blessed to have had in my life. Joe taught me so much. Especially love. Joe loved me before I loved myself. Even though Joe had his own demons, he still made everyone he came into contact feel loved, feel special, and feel alive. Like many who know me, Joe knew I was gay (I wouldn’t say before I knew) but he embraced me and loved me like I was someone in his family. Even as Joe lay in his bed basically dying, he still comforted me. He still told me loved me, or held my hand or let me do goofy things to him. I made him pretty while he was in the hospital. I was with him till his very last breath, even then I couldn’t let go. I stayed and held his hand. He made this huge impact in my life. Joe was my brother. And my heart still aches. This may sound awful but I am telling the truth. I never grieved as hard and as bad as I did for Joe. (My cousin Janie put it into perspective for me, I just grieved differently). It was like a huge piece of me was taken away. I had to LIVE, I had to go on (never move on), I had to let his beautiful life flourish through me. Joe is definitely someone I look forward to seeing again in Heaven. I want to sit and hold his hand.

The third person I am going to write about is My Grandma Austin. I was such a Grandmas boy. We had so many special moments together. I spent a lot of time at her house growing up. I remember watching TV with her, playing games, listening to her stories and her making me “My muffins”. My Grandmothers love was so genuine, unconditional, and she treated me as if I was the greatest gift God ever gave her. Don’t get me wrong, my Grandma loved ALL of her Grandchildren. We just shared this special bond that is unexplainable. She knew me through and through. I can’t even explain the impact my Grandma made in my life. Words wouldn’t be enough. They wouldn’t do her any justice. The only thing I can do, is continue her legacy within myself and our family. My Grandma would kick each and every one of us in the ass for how things have changed since she passed. But we will make it, we will survive. We are Austin’s one way or another.

Finally I want to write about “anonymous”. I can’t believe how time and distance changed us. You were supposed to be there forever. You were supposed to make me realize the stupid choices I made. You were supposed sit side seat with me till we went to Heaven. You were supposed to remind me of who I was. You were supposed to look past my flaws and mistakes. We were supposed to grow old together. You were supposed to be there. But you aren’t here, you’re gone and I am just as much to blame. I should have fought harder. I should have been honest with you. I should have done a lot of things. One thing I would have NEVER said to you “We only want family here, I mean your family, but you’re not”. You broke my heart that day, you shattered my dreams and I know now that in my heart that it can’t be fixed and it will never be the same. Like I said though, I am just as much to blame. But as I sit here, typing this, crying my heart out. I know that I could never ever hurt you that way or even hate you. I wish you nothing but love, success and happiness. I hope that one day we can sit together, and smile for the good memories and eventually try put both of our hearts back together. I miss you.

There are so many people I could write about, but I would be here for a long time. I miss most, and I cherish the time and memories. I have to go now, I have to compose myself. I have to stop writing. I am drained. This was a very hard blog for me to write. Most likely the hardest blog I’ve ever had to write.

I love you all,

Nick xoxo

Day 27~ 31 Day Challenge

Day 27~ 31 Day Challenge

A problem you have had.

Letting people take advantage of me. Of my kindness, my spirit, my love, my friendship. As you get older, you learn who, what and how you want your life to be. I’ve learned that I want more. I am not the person I once was. I’ve learned who my REAL friends are. I’ve learned that I can be or have anything I want. I’ve learned that you don’t have to fit in. I’ve learned that I can stand alone. I’ve learned that family does not consist of blood or genetics. I’ve learned that just because I see something one way, doesn’t mean that can’t change. I’ve learned that tomorrow in never promised. I’ve learned to let the punches roll. I’ve learned to laugh at myself. I’ve learned to love and appreciate the people who love and appreciate me. I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’ve learned that I come first, and to love myself. So I won’t burden today, with yesterdays problems.

Everyone has problems, it’s how you handle or let them affect you.

Nick xoxo

Day 26~ 31 Day Challenge

Day 26~ 31 Day Challenge

What is your favorite comfort food.

EASY! I love grilled cheese and marshmallows. I seriously think I could live off those 2 items alone.

They are not only comfort food either. I can eat them anytime. Here is a good tip (kinda fatty, but its soooo good) Butter the inside of the bread too! And you have to use butter for a real grilled cheese! There is nothing like it. Now after writing this, I have to go make one.

Hungry,

Nick xoxo

Day 25~ 31 Day Challenge

Day 25~ 31 Day Challenge

Someone who fascinates you and why?

Lots of people fascinate me. I am a born people watcher. It doesn’t matter if it is at the airport, grocery store, city, anywhere. I love to people watch.

People, who are proud, have been through the struggle and are still standing. Those people fascinate me.

Anyone who has lost a limb, but strives to still be happy and persevere, those people fascinate me.

People from the HOOD, who MAKE IT, those people fascinate me.

A gay couple walking hand in hand in a public area, and not having a care in the world. Those people fascinate me.

A person who will stand up for what they believe in, even if that means standing alone. Those people fascinate me.

A woman who can do anything, because she can and doesn’t need a man to validate her. Those people fascinate me.

I find lots of people fascinating, there is no one particular.

Nick xoxo

Day 24~ 31 Day Challenge

Day 24~ 31 Day Challenge.

What is your favorite movie?

I like to make this difficult for myself. LOL! I have 4 favorite movies, they are…

The Color Purple
Untamed Heart
Return of the Jedi
And
Home for the Holidays.

I have seen each movie well over a 100 times. I never get tired of any of them and I can recite like every word in each movie. If I had to choose 1 to be my all time favorite, it would be “The Color Purple”. This movie holds so many memories for me. I used to watch it with My Mom and my sister Tina. We would laugh at the good times, cry at the sad and get extremely happy at the ending. Plus the music was spectacular. “Sista, you’ve been on my mind” and “Maybe God is trying to tell you somethannnnng”.

Then Return of the Jedi, Untamed Heart and finally Home For the Holidays.

So please don’t ask me to pick a movie, it will usually be 1 of the 4 that I would want to watch. LOL!

May The Force Be With You,
Nick xoxo

Day 23~ 31 Day Challenge

Day 23~ 31 Day Challenge

Post 10 pictures of people in your life, explain them. Be completely honest on how you feel about them. Do not hold back, whether it’s good or bad.

Well I did 13 minus 2 pictures. For a grand total of 15 people. Well not so much 15, because I lumped a group of people together. You’ll see above in the picture. Oh and the 2 people missing is my cousin Janie and Kathy Mama Bear Kohl. (I am sorry Janie & Kathy, I tried to get a picture to work). This has taken me 3.5 hours to complete with the photos.

I wish I could have added everyone, but it would be impossible. Please know that this does not change or mean I care for you any less than the people who are going to be mentioned in this blog. I love you all <3

Ok so now on to the blog. LOL!

Mike: My heart, my best friend, my “who’s there”. Not a day goes by that you don’t make me smile or feel special. My love for you is endless. I cannot explain what you mean to me, I wouldn’t have enough words. I am so blessed that you chose me. “In a crowd of 1000, I only see you”. Like I have written you, every star, candle, wishbone, eyelash, sneeze, YOU’RE MY WISH COME TRUE! You are “FOREVER IN MY LIFE”.

Melissa Ann: My twin, my best friend and my “FRICK”. The universe was aligned the day you and I entered each other’s lives. I truly believe we were separated at birth. I mean seriously, is there anyone else in the world like us? NOPE! Your constant love, friendship and loyalty means more to me than any monetary item in the world. Give us a padded room, a ball and each other. Nothing even matters. You understand me through and through.

Angela: My best friend, my sister, my MAMMORIES: I don’t even know what to type about you. The words come so fast into my mind its earth shattering. One word that comes to mind is LOVE. Like Joe told me, and I will tell you “I love you like family”. There is nothing in this world that would ever change my love, admiration, feelings, emotions , anything about you. What’s in the bag??? HAHAHAHA! Oh yea and “driving down the block in an escalade AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”. I am so proud of you. You’re an amazing mother, and little Joey is so lucky! He is wonderful! You should be proud too!

Mama D and Papa D: I love you two as if you were my own parents. You have welcomed me into your family’s life with open hearts and open arms. I am so lucky that my partner for life, has the most amazing, accepting and completely loving parents.

Peter Pipia & Mickey: I love you boys. The 4 amigos. “I know that’s right”! Enough said =)

Lizzie: My Crackwhore: I love you so very much. I love that you have settled down and started an amazing little family. I am so proud of you. Dave, You and Tyler fit like glue and I am so lucky to have you all in my life.

Sassy: My Sassy, My “Other Mom”: Wow, where do I even start? My mom is so happy for me! You know why? Because she sent YOU to ME. I love you so very much and you truly raised some of the best people in the world. My extended family. Papa Sam is so lucky to have you. If he didn’t 1. I wouldn’t have my siblings and 2. I would marry you. LOL! And that my dear would be weird! LOL! Thank you for teaching me, loving me and just for being the wonderful, spectacular and genuinely amazing person that you are.

Jay: TWEEZLE: I had to add you to this because you are one of my best friends. You accept me for who I am (as I do you). You never treat me different then if I were Josh or Christine or anyone else. You have this amazing passion and love for everyone you come into contact with. You definitely get that from your Mom, I know she is proud of the amazing man you are turning into, I am.

Megan: MO, IPod, MEGO: THANK GOD FOR CHAD-O! LOL! Because if he wasn’t Dan’s bff, and you 2 didn’t get married, I would be missing a huge piece of my heart! You bring me so much joy, laughter and love. I love you very much. Your generosity means more to me then you will ever understand. I love my Toyota. Thank you for helping my dreams come true!!

Darcy: Thank you for being a shoulder when I need one. We have a special relationship. It’s unbreakable. OOOOO! I love your weird little child, your big headed husband and most of all YOU! Never change!

BANGME.NET: (It’s not about sex, SERIOUSLY) Yes, all of you! You do not understand what you all mean to me. You all have changed me in so many ways. Back when I started on that website I was very lonely in my life. I had my friends, but when they weren’t around or it was time for me to go home. I felt utter sadness, emptiness and I was alone. You all filled the void in my life, and I am forever humbled by you. I’ve never met any of you in person, but I love you all as if we’ve been friends since we were all kids. Thank you for filling that emptiness. We will all meet one day!

Janie: (Again I am sorry about the picture). I love you. Thank you for always listening to me ramble on. Thank you for always talking to me about my Mom. Thank you for telling me about our family. Thank you for putting things into perspective. When I have my blinders on, you always move them to show me the way. I love you.

Kathy: Mama Bear, Bonita: (Sorry about the picture too) Like Sassy and Mama D, you have been amazing step in for my Mom. I love you so much. You have changed my life more than you will ever know. You have taught me so many things, and I owe you so much for it. You were 1 of the 1^st people I told I was gay, and you never treated me different and you allowed me to spread my wings and fly. All the love you have shown me, has taught me how to love the people in my life. Because you love me endlessly, I love myself and I will always love you. Mark too!

And last but certainly not least.

ALL OF YOU!

If I could write about each person that I know, it would take me years. I have come so far and without the people in my life, this journey would not be worth it. From my lips to Gods ears I love you and YOU all have made a difference in my life.

Truly,

Nick

Day 22~ 31 Day Challenge

Day 22~ 31 Day Challenge

How have you changed in the past 2 years?

I’ve changed, I believe for the better. I have an amazing partner and we’re on the same level. We both have goals and aspirations. I try not to let the little things bother me like they used to. I feel like I am more mature, and mentally able to make better choices. I’ve let go of the negative people in my life. I used to think I was so weak and I didn’t have the confidence to accomplish things. Now, I am confident, self assure, bold and braver then I have ever been. I like the changes that have occurred because I feel like a better me.

Love,

Nick

Day 21~ 31 Day Challenge

Day 21~ 31 Day Challenge

What is your favorite TV show?

My all time favorite TV show was “The Simple Life”, featuring Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie (Your opinion about them does not matter, I LOVE THEM). I was totally obsessed with those silly broads for 5 seasons. The non-stop shenanigans that went on, on that show reminded me so much of the things that my bff’s and I do. Plus I loved that they were like sisters (like my girls, except season 4 when they were feuding). I loved that they could be themselves and they didn’t care what anyone thought. My girls and I are like that. If we are having fun and not hurting anyone, then who cares what people think of us. The trends that they started were great too. I still love to rock my over sized shades and bags. And who couldn’t love the silly sayings and phrases that they coined? THAT’S HOT! I found them to be so entertaining. So my favorite show will ALWAYS be “The Simple Life”.

Sana Saaaaa Sannnnaa Saaaaaa

Loves It,

Nick xoxo

p.s I have all 5 seasons on DVD.

Day 20~ 31 Day Challenge

Day 20~ 31 Day Challenge.

How important education is?

I think education is extremely important. Nowadays without an education you can’t even get entry level jobs, let alone jobs that you used to be able to walk in and get ie: Big Three. I wish I would have done better in school. To know what I know now, then, I would be a billionaire. LOL! I definitely agree that education is very important.

Nick xoxo

p.s Sorry this is short, lots to do today. =)

Day 19~ 31 Day Challenge

Day 19. 31 Day Challenge.

Views on disrespecting your parents?

Haven’t we all? I know in my teens, I was a pain in the ass. I wasn’t a bad kid by any means, I was MOUTHY! I thought I knew everything about everything and I was always right. I guess being raised basically by all women, it tends to rub off. Come on ladies you know what I am talking about. LOL! We don’t back down.

There were definitely times I was disrespectful toward my parents, more so my Dad. I really don’t know my Dad. What I do know about him doesn’t put him in a positive light. I’ve never really sat down with him and talked. I’ve wrote him a letter about 10 years ago, that he never replied to. I couldn’t tell you his favorite color or his favorite food, if it was on an exam. We’ve always had an estranged relationship. I mean I was a Mama’s boy, and of course being gay I am sure doesn’t make it easy on him. Here’s the thing. I have never come out to my Dad. I mean it’s obvious. But I’ve never said “Dad, I am gay”. Parents know their kids. He knows. Plus my siblings gossip like school girls. I don’t even think it has anything to do with me being gay. I don’t think he knows how to talk to me. I’ve questioned a few people in my family of why my Dad is the way he is. I get the same response by most, that’s just how he is. I think it’s a sad state of affairs, when you don’t know your children. I’ve been very lucky though, I have some wonderful positive male role models. Daddy Warucks Mark, Papa Sam and Papa D have been amazing men in my life.

My Dad and my best relationship is to not have one. We are cordial when see each other or speak, but there is no bond. We are both to blame, I just feel now as an adult, that is isn’t worth it anymore. I have no effort left. I’ve made amends within myself. Plus, I didn’t pack up and move 3,000 miles away without telling my children.

My Mom was a 4’11, 130 pound, 100% Italian woman, who was raised in New York. She had the mouth of a trucker, and could back it up. I was mouthy toward her, but she quickly put me in my place. I know my Mom was far from perfect, believe me I know. But I could always count on my Mom. My Mom played both roles as a parent. She did her best with all situations. We struggled a lot growing up. Yes there are things that could have been different, but without those struggles. I don’t think I would be who I am. It bothers me that we did struggle. It bothers me that we went without basic necessities. It bothers me that the fault, blame and struggle was put on my Moms shoulders. It bothers me that while one parent struggles raising children, the other lives a peaceful, drunk fueled life. How do you consider yourself a parent? Is it because you sent a Child Support Check? I am sorry, I DO NOT give credit to men because they pay their child support. It is your job, your responsibility. Just because you cut a check, doesn’t make you a Dad. A real Dad supports their children spiritually, mentally and physically. A real Dad knows their child. Just because you planted the seed, doesn’t mean you are a Dad, it makes you a father. There is a HUGE difference. The same if it were a woman. I have to slow down, I am getting worked up. It’s good, but I am getting off topic.

Yes, I did disrespect my mom, but it was on rare occasion. When I did though, I was terrified as if I just seen an 8 foot bear. LOL! How could I disrespect the person who provided all the tools, to mold me into amazing person I am? I am definitely my Mother’s son. Through and through. Respect is earned, not just given. I respected my Mom, because she respected me.

Nick xoxo

Day 18~ 31 Day Challenge

Day 18~ 31 Day Challenge

How do you view yourself image?

Now that I am an adult and I know who I am. I am the most glorious, beautiful, wonderful , amazing being that has ever graced this earth. Yea, who am I kidding? We all have flaws about ourselves that we would want to change or alter. I had A LOT growing up. It took me till I was in my mid twenties to figure out who I am and to appreciate my flaws.

Growing up kids can say the meanest things and can be so cruel. I was made fun of for so many different things, things now that I love the most about myself. I was called n*gger lips because my lips are big. I’ve always been made fun for my weight, even when I was skinny (long ago people lol) people would still call me fat and other horrible names. I’ve been made fun of because I am bald, buck teeth or gap tooth, hairy and so on. But those things don’t bother me that much anymore. Yea, my weight is a constant struggle. But does that change who I am on the inside? Does that make me a bad person because I have a second helping at dinner?

The answer is NO! I have learned that the things people find flawed about me are the thing that I love the most about myself.

I love that I have full, luscious lips. Ask anyone who has ever kissed me. I have never had any complaints. I love my gap. If I didn’t have my gap, I think my beautiful smile would be off. I love not having hair anymore (don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t mind having it again). I love that I don’t have to go get it cut anymore (Sorry Marlene). I can shave it myself. I don’t have to worry about covering my bald spot anymore. I am not my hair. I love my short stubby legs. I have great legs. Muscular and strong. I love my hairy chest (I’ve always been a hairy chest lover). My “gay” voice is the voice of an angel. As you can plainly see I love myself. You can say I am being conceited, but I am working with what God gave me.

I can let those things bother me. I can get plastic surgery. I can go back to throwing up. I can take another handful of diet pills. I can do all those things change my appearance, but why?

I am so blessed when so many are not. I have 2 eyes so I can see the beauty in things. I have 2 strong legs to walk on. I have a big mouth, so I can speak words of love and encouragement. I have 2 ears to listen and learn. I have 1 heart to love. God made me exactly how I am supposed to be.

I have a quote that I made up a long time ago. “I am not perfect, I am perfectly flawed”. To me that means I have lots of perfections, perfections that are flawed. Perfections that are so perfect to me, that others would just look over. I am perfectly flawed.

“I like how god made me, I have always had a switch in my walk and music in my talk. And if I go tomorrow I will go happy. You know why? Cause I got out this world when I was supposed to, to like yourself and to love some damn body because I can.” ~Holidays Heart

Always LOVE YOUrself, I do.

Nick

Day 17~ 31 Day Challenge

Day 17~ 31 Day Challenge.

Your highs and lows of 2010.

Highs:

Celebrating one year with Mike.

The birth of Tyler David.

Going to school and graduating with my CNA.

Moving in with Mike.

Saving 2 lives in a fire.

Spending time with the people who mean a lot to me.

Anticipating Bianca (then getting her).

Discovering new music.

Being wiser.

Lows:

Losing people in my life that I thought were going to be in it forever.

People passing away.

Being taken advantage of.

Started smoking again.

Gained weight.

You know, this days Challenge is a little irritating. I would prefer to focus on the positives that my life has developed over the last year. I have lived and learned. I would much rather file those “lows” in the chapters of my mind. So I will close this with, I am hopeful and excited for the future. Mike and I are paving our way. It feels good too!

Nick xoxo

Day 16~ 31 Day Challenge

Day 16~ 31 Day Challenge

What are your views on Gay Marriage?

Here we go, the one we’ve been waiting for. I have a lot to say.

I think this country is in terrible shape. No, I am not pointing fingers nor am I taking sides. I have opinions that agree with both Democrat and Republican. My concern is that “We are land of the free and proud” and “Equality for All Man”.

Um tell me what’s wrong with those two statements?

If we are so free and proud then why do we condemn the marriage between two people of the same sex? If we are so equal, why is a whole community segregated/discriminated against?

When does the equality include every single person? I understand it takes time and the mere thought of two men or woman marrying goes against certain beliefs, religions and political parties.

But I wake up every morning, I put my pants on one leg at a time, I go to work every single day and I pay taxes .My money can be spent anywhere in the world. The government takes taxes out of each and every single pay check. I can be a donor. I vote. I think I am a good person. Yet, because who I chose to love and who I want to marry, makes me less American than any race, sex, religion and so on. We can have illegal immigrants move to our county, receive assistance, a social security check and all the benefits of anyone who was born in this county. (Don’t battle me on that, I work for Macomb County, I see it every day, so don’t give me any load of bullshit. I will knock you to the ground). Yet, I cannot marry who chose to love.

Being gay is not a choice, nor is it something that is wrong. My name is Nicholas Austin and I am a man, a man who happens to be gay. My gender and whom I chose to love does not define me, nor does it give me special rights. But it should give me equal rights . Rights that were signed with the Declaration of Independence.

African American people can claim they are segregated against because of slavery, Arabic people can complain they are discriminated against because of 9/11. Chinese people feel the same way because they are of a nationality that the men must have small penises and woman only make rice or do nails. That’s like saying only men can work and woman must remain at home on their backs, spitting children out and taking care of the home. That is asinine. Except all those things about those nationalities and sex is that they can get married (man and woman).

Some states have lifted the ban on Gay Marriage and I applaud them. There are only a few states that it is legal though. When will the county unite in UNITY for all?

You may be thinking “Move to those places” or “It’s not right”. Well who are you to judge what’s right and what’s wrong? People were created in Gods eyes. Only God (or whomever you chose to believe in) can judge someone. It’s obvious that if God was so against gay people, then we wouldn’t have been created. I know that my God loves me, and I know my God is forgiving. If he didn’t want me the way I am, well then I wouldn’t be here. I make no apologies for who and what I am. My name is Nicholas Austin and I am a man, a man who happens to be gay. My gender does not define me.

Nicholas Austin xoxo

Day 15~31 Day Challenge

Day 15~ 31 Day Challenge

What is your favorite Holiday and why?

Most people would say their favorite holiday is Christmas, but mine is Thanksgiving.

You may think this is weird, but I love this holiday because of the drive to and from friends and families. See I used to drive a lot of my participants home for the holidays. I would get excited for them, as their families hugged and kissed them. It was like the last link was found in the chair and I brought it all together. It made me feel really good about the work I do. I also liked going back to the office and cooking for the people who didn’t have money to buy dinner or have family to share their holiday with. Afterward I would go home to be with my family. But I always loved the drive to different destinations.

I look at the cars driving by me and I think about what and how they celebrate. I think about the things I am most thankful about. I also pull out my Christina Aguilera “My Kind of Christmas” (which I am listening to as I type this). Thanksgiving is normally when I start listening to Christmas music (which I kinda don’t like). I only have a few favorites, so I keep it to the ones I like. I like to get dressed up too and Thanksgiving is around the time that it starts getting brisk. Hats, gloves, scarves , boots and my pea coat. My fall and winter essentials. I look like an Eskimo, but I love it.

I know I am weird. I get it. I am dysfunctional and I do things weird. But I blame my genetic makeup. We are strange people by nature. I just so happen to fall into place with all these nutcases. LOL! I wouldn’t want them any other way (Well some, there are some I point blank period deny being related too, or don’t really like. HEY I am being honest). LOL! Don’t worry you’ll know if I do or don’t like you. Hahahaha.

Thankfully yours,

Nick xoxo

Day 14~ 31 Day Challenge

Day 14. 31 Day Challenge

Your earliest memory.

That’s kind of hard, I mean we are talking 30 years ago.

I remember spending lots of time with my Grandma and Grandpa Austin.

I will write about being with them.

I remember as a kid, I thought they were so rich. They had a “huge” house and they always had food on the table. PLUS our family owned and lived in the 2 houses next door. So there was always someone around to play with. When I was little the “little” house used to scare the hell out of me. The kitchen was too small. LOL!

Plus Grandma would buy me little trinkets here and there. I mean I was her favorite. HAHA!

I was so fascinated with everything around their house growing up. They had a milk shoot that I would use as a dungeon or jail for my Star Wars action figures. Behind Grandmas organ was a fake plant like island. I would pretend my Star Wars figures were in Endor (I am a HUGE Star Wars fan). In the great room there was a Christmas tree that my Grandpa painted all white and it had all kinds of ornaments on it, it was up all year round. You may think that is weird, but my Grandpa was an artist. (Almost all of us are creative people). He could make anything art or beautiful. He could paint, draw, sculpt and so on. Below the Christmas tree was a table made of marble and beer cans from the 40’s and 50’s. The table now, would sell for over $5,000 dollars. I also loved playing in the kitchen. My grandpa made the cabinets Lazy Susans, so even though they were cabinets, they had drawers behind the doors. I would clank, make noise, make a mess and it never bothered Grandma. You were lucky if you went into the junk drawer and were able to get a full deck of cards. Grandma still played even though they miss matched and I didn’t know what I was doing.

I remember Christmas there too. All my siblings, cousins, parents, aunts, uncles and grandparents. Everyone was there. You would have thought that we were the richest family in the world. Little did we know as kids, that we were not that wealthy. Just creative. The adults would wrap a lot of the presents in newspaper or the funnies. I thought it was the coolest thing. We would have a big dinner in the evening. Food everywhere. It was all fun and games till my Aunt Evie tried to MURDER me. Yep, My Mom told me so. You’re probably thinking OMG! Are you serious? The answer in NO, I probably ate too much and the last thing I ate was Jello that my Aunt Evie made. My Mom told me as I was throwing up that Aunt Evie poisoned me. Till this day, I still razz her about it.

My parents separated when I was 5 years old. When it was time for our Dad to pick us up for his weekend, he would 99% of the time drop us off at our Grandparents. I didn’t care, I would have rather be with my Mema and Papa. We would play games, or swing from the weeping willows in the front yard, “fish” in the ditch, Mema would make me “My Muffins” or I would go to Aunt Evie and Uncle Larry's house and play with my cousin Dustin. Dustin is my now little BIG cousin (He’s damn near 7 ft tall). Aunt Evie would let us build blanket forts in the living room. Dustin and I would play Movie Theatre. Aunt Evie would give me a flash light and I would put the light on the pages of a book and read to Dustin. We thought it was cool. I would also go to my cousin Violets. Her, Rosie and I would play barbies and play on the teeter totter. Which is still there. I have a certain nickname for Violet, but I wont say it. I want to though. LOL!

Another thing I loved about going to Grandma’s house was after our baths she would pull out her powder box (It was peach colored and I thought it was so fancy) and she would powder us from head to toe. I thought it was glamorous, like She-ra. Then we would get in our pjs. I would fall asleep on the long shag rug in the living room, watching TV.

Oh how time flies, Even though we didn’t grow up rich or have everything we wished for. We had family. Family that accepted and loved us for who we are, not what we were. We may not see eachother as much as we would like too, but I think of them often with happiness in my heart. Happy memories and LOVE.

Nichni, Nicky, Nicholas AUSTIN xoxo

Day 13~ 31 Day Challenge

Somewhere you would like to visit, and a place you’d live.

I would love to visit Egypt. I have always had a fascination with that country and its people.

I love Nefertiti. I have a bust that my brother’s mother in law bought while she was visiting there. I was once read by a tarot reader and she told me in a previous life, I was very close with Cleopatra. It would be amazing to see all the Pyramids and visit their museums. It’s unfortunate that their country is basically at war with itself and is not the beautiful place it once was. Maybe if they get their act together, I will visit it, someday…

I love living in Michigan. Michigan is my home. I’ve traveled a lot and there is no place like it. I have my friends and family here. I don’t think there is any place else I would rather live. Not ever Paris, Rome or someplace always warm.

I apologize for the lack of these 2 blogs and them sounding like a 4th grader typed them. I just have a lot of things to get done today.

The next blogs will be much better.

XOXO,

Nick

Day 12~ 31 Day Challenge.

Day 12~ 31 Day Challenge

Bullet your whole day. Hour by hour. Explain what you did and how you felt.

From 11 am to 12 am. I did a lot. I am not going to bullet everything because honestly I forgot to write it all down. LOL! I know right. But I did get a lot accomplished and the day flew like Forrest Gump running from bullies. LOL! I wish I would have got more done, but you know as the saying goes “There is always tomorrow”. So now I have more to do today, plus I am not feeling 100%. Damn this time of year. I hate getting sick.

Love,

Nick

Day 11~ 31 Day Challenge..

Day 11. 31 Day Challenge

Put your IPod on shuffle, write the 10 songs you hear 1^st and explain the meaning of each song to you. If you don’t have an IPod, write 10 songs that mean a lot to you.

Surprisingly a song I wrote about last night, ended up being the first song that played in the shuffle. I had to shuffle through “intros and outros” of songs to get 10 songs. LOL! I am glad that the list that I am able to write about played. I have fond memories of each song, except one (number 7). Music is definitely the chapters of my life. My favorite quote which is on my Facebook and Twitter is “When words fail, Music speak” It is so true in my case.

1. Kissing you (remix) by Total. This is that song, I mentioned in my blog last night. I actually heard this song first with my friend Tiffany, I instantly thought of my crush. So that evening I had my brother Joe drive me to “Sound Bites” and I bought the ca-single. I played it into the phone for my crushes voicemail. I was young and stupid. But the song described exactly how I felt about him.

2. Red Hot by Debbie Gibson. I was the biggest Debbie Gibson fan. LIKE EVER! My mom used to order tapes from BMG and Columbia house. One day she was making her order and asked Joey and me what tape we wanted. I immediately said DEBBIE GIBSON! 4 weeks later, I laid in my sister Tina’s water bed listening from start to finish. I always loved Red Hot. It was and still is one of my favorite Debbie Gibson songs.

3. They Don’t Know by Jon B. Oooh I had the hots for that white boy singing my R&B music. I went to one of his concerts in 1999, when he sang it, it was like he was singing it right to me. I was happy.

4. Spend My Life by Eric Benet featuring Tamia. I used to slow dance to this song with a guy I dated when I was 18. I was so in the moment, I thought I could do this the rest of my life. He taught me a lot about life. I was grateful for that. It also reminds me of my friend Dori who passed away. It was her and her husband’s wedding song. I think of her when I hear that song.

5. Strong Enough by Stacie Orrico. I didn’t think a Stacie song would pop up, but she did. I am so happy it did. This list would not we worth typing if it hadn’t. Stacie is a huge inspiration to my heart, my soul and my being. I even have one of her songs titles tattooed on my left wrist “So Simple”. Stacie is a force to wreckon with. Every one of her songs has some meaning to me. When I was pretty much at my lowest in life, her songs lifted me and brought me back to God. “Strong Enough” did exactly that. It made me stronger, then I could ever imagine.

6. Hit’em Wit Da Hee by Missy Elliot featuring Lil’Kim and Mocha. I used to jam to this song in my 86 Escort that my brother Billy bought me for $80.00. It was a mess, but it had a/c, a tape player and got me from A to B. I drove that thing like a Lexus. I was also in that car when I met Yah Yah (last night’s blog). LOL! Oh to be young again. LOL

7. Don’t You Forget by Glenn Lewis. I heard it on the radio, downloaded it and I really never listen to it.

8. How Many Words by Blake Lewis. Jeesh, this song came out when I decided I was leaving Michael (ex). It made so much sense at the time. He sang exactly what I was feeling. My friend Pierro (my brother on Facebook) downloaded it and sent it to me. Very powerful.

9. Open My Heart by Yolanda Adams. I love this song, when it comes on the radio or on my IPod, I feel guilty if I skip it. I always go back and listen to it. It really is an amazing song, sung by an amazing woman. I simply love it.

10. Helpless (I don’t know what to do without you) by Silvano and Urbanized. OMG! I love this song. I first heard it in the movie “Jeffrey” which ended up being the first gay movie I ever seen. I was like 14 or 15, I woke up at like 3 in the morning and couldn’t go back to bed. My mom had fallen asleep on the couch watching TV. I sat down on the love seat ready to change the channel, when I seen a guy describing being gay and wanting love. I was like “WHAT??”. So I watched the movie and fell in love with it instantly, especially because of the HOT actor Michael T. Weiss (what is it with me falling for guys named Michael/Mike???). He was GORGEOUS! (seriously Google him) anyways. When Jeffrey stands up Steve, Steve turns on his radio to dance the sadness away. The song he danced to was “Helpless”. I actually watched that movie 2 times in a row because they must have messed up on HBO and played it twice.

Day 10. 31 Day Challenge.

Discuss your first love and first kiss.

My first love was for a boy named Josh C. I was head over heels for him. He was tall, brown hair, green eyes, Italian. The football/baseball jock. He was F-I-N-E!

I would watch him from my balcony every morning to see if he was going to school. If I didn’t see him walking to the bus stop, I would try to “be sick”, so I could stay home too. That “love” was my first glimpse into knowing I was different. I needed to be around him, I yearned to be by his side. I wanted to be his “girlfriend” LMAO! I fell hard for him and for a long time. I would say age 9-17. 9 years, I was gaga over him. As I got older, I became bolder. Asking him to hang out. We would go to lunch, hang out at his house, you know the normal “guy” stuff. Little did he know I was jonesing over him. Man , it’s so funny to talk and think about this. I was so young. I used to leave love songs on his BEEPER voicemail. LMMFAO!

1. Kissing You by Total

2. Anytime, Anyplace by Janet Jackson

3. He’s Mine by Mokenstef

4. Before I let you go by Blackstreet

5. Weak by SWV

6. I will always love you by Whitney Houston

And all those other 90’s R&B love songs. I would leave like 5 in a row, LMAO! Awe, to be young and in love.

I actually had to put Blackstreet on just now. Memories. As I got older, I learned that you can’t fall for a straight guy, because his feelings could never, would never be the same. And F.Y.I know I don’t want to be a girlfriend now, I like being a boy. Get your minds right. Ha!

My first kiss was GROSS. Ha! His name was Yah Yah (I know, don’t laugh). His breathe smelled like garlic. Heather and I went to Denny’s in Roseville. We stalked him for like 3 days, HAHAHA! The last night, we waited for him to get out of work. He came strolling out, and all I could do was say “HI” and he was like “HI”, and I left it at that. Heather wasn’t having it, I made her sit in the car for like 3 hours waiting, she says in the background “OH HELL NO, I DID NOT SIT HERE FOR YOU TO PUSS OUT”. So Yah Yah says “So you wann my number” (He was Arabic) I say yes, and he gives it to me. The next day I called him and he took me to dinner. After dinner, I told him I had to get home, so he says “Cain I kees you”, I was so excited and nervous. He kissed me and in my head I’m thinking “Ewe, his breathe stinks and he just bit my lip”. He was trying to get fresh, but I wasn’t that kind of boy, I was only 16 turning 17. I went home and called Heather ASAP. It was a nice kiss, but it’s one I will always remember. Ha! I dated him for 4 months, he turned out to be CRAZY. LOL! Like seriously, he was trying to turn me into a house wife at 16. HAHA! You can’t tame a 16 year old or hold him down. HA!

That was my first love and first kiss.

There is nothing like first loves and kiss, but there is great comparison. I’ll never forget my first kiss or “I love you” from Mike. That took my breath away , that really swept me off my feet, that was my “finally” moment.

Oh too be young again, and know what I know now…

Love, 9 and 16 and 30 year old,

Nick xoxo