I've been wanting to blog for a while. After thinking long and hard today about what I wanted to post. I felt I needed to finally write about a certain time in my life that many people
don’t know about.
I’ve shared so much over the years. And it’s time to tell my story, to tell my truth.
I was talking to a dear friend today and I told her this story. I thought to myself “This is what I am going to write about tonight, this is going to be my writing inspiration”.
So that’s exactly what I am going to do.
This may be long and windy. Hopefully by the end of it, you will understand some things.
Especially my idolization of Stacie Orrico.
Many people don’t know about this time in my life. I didn’t want to be exposed, didn’t want my secret to be told.
That was then, this is now.
I am at the point in my life that I have nothing to hide, I have grown, soared beyond any mountain. Throw any wrench in my path, and I’ll find the right direction. Tell me I can't do something, and I'll prove you wrong.
I am secure, confident and I know who I am. I make no apologies for it either.
It's my story to tell.
2008.
One of the hardest,darkest and saddest times of my life.
See, I am really good with putting a smile on my face. I can honestly say, I have perfected it.
During this time, my life was spiraling down fast. I felt as though I lost the battle, I lost pretty much all of my faith, hated myself and was on the verge of something really bad. I had nothing, so therefore I had nothing to lose.
It wasn't just one thing, it was a spiral of unfortunate events.
Sitting in a dark basement, sewage spilling from the drain hole, dirt, grime, sadness, depression.
That was my days and nights when I wasn't with my best friends or with my brother and his family. I sought solace wherever I could find it. Too scared to leave and way too dumb, I stayed.
Until one night when I had enough. I was planning my great escape. I knew I was done and it was time for me to go. I would do whatever I had to do. I was ready, right? That was until the next day, my car died. Along with my hopes to get away. So again, I stayed.
Like I said, I am really good with that smile. Pretty convincing, huh?
The things I endured that year I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. In the matter of months, I lost alot. I lost myself respect, dignity and my future. I didn't know what was next for me, but I knew it wouldn't be good (then).
I started sleeping in my office, afraid to go home and face whatever was going to be thrown at me. I stayed in my office for a couple weeks. Evening staff assumed I was working late, I wasn't.
I was living in my office.
Shower before anyone showed up, set the alarm on my cell phone, make sure I hid my stuff and was ready before anyone could find out.
That could only go on for so long.
I stayed at my best friends a few times throughout that time, but she was starting a new life. She
was getting married. I couldn’t interfere with that. I couldn’t burden her with my problems.
I took to inviting myself to my brothers. I didn’t have a car, I didn’t have anywhere clean to sleep, andI needed to be with people who loved me. I stayed there as long as I could, or shall I say till I was “forced” to come home, I can’t even call it home. It was pure hell. I was promised “Change” and all that butterflies and cupcake bullshit, and yet I believed it and it never changed.
I endured more and more and more and more. I stayed 3 more months. Hoping for change, praying for God to make it all stop, wishing on stars that never came through. I needed a fork
stuck in me, because I was DONE.
Problems got worse, words became harsher and a hand around your throat will make you want to do something, something that you can’t take back.
There I was sitting in that dark, sewage filled, depressing, sad ass basement. I thought “What can I do to make this all stop?” Lots of things ran through my head, things that I don’t even want to remember. I sat there, staring down at my little Memphis, crying. I thought “What if I did “this”, did “that”. My mind was racing a million miles a minute. I had to make all the silent noise stop. I laid on the sofa bed, and I turned on my MP3 player. For some reason unknown to me. Maybe
it was fate, maybe it was Gods words, maybe it was just something that had to happen. But my MP3 player played the song “So Simple” by Stacie Orrico, over and over again. As I laid there contemplating my future, the lyrics struck me and I had to really pay attention to the song. I had to keep rewinding it. It became really clear to me. The lyrics stuck out, like a light from above.
“I’ve Got one (one) life (life) to live (live)
It's only what you make it (make it)
Every new day's a chance worth takin
True to life, true to me
The way it's got to be
So simple, so simple, so simple
Live to love, love to be
Absolutely free
(so simple, so simple, simple)
So Simple to me”
I knew what I had to do…
The next day I made my plan. In the afternoon I called my brother and sister in-law and told them I was leaving and I needed some place to live. They said, “Absolutely”. I called my best friend that night and told her to be at my house the next morning, that I was done and
I was moving out. She doubted me, I mean I would have too. I had let this go on and I left and always went back. This time, I was done. I grabbed my Mom’s ashes and I packed my clothes, camera, cell phone, memory box, a few boxes and my Chihuahua. I left everything else behind. It was ALL mine. The house, the furniture, the TV. Everything, it was all mine and it didn’t matter anymore. I didn’t need any of it. I didn’t want to fight for it, I didn’t want to leave worse that I already was.
That was my final straw.
I took all I could take and I wasn’t taking anymore. The best decision I ever made. If it weren’t
for the people in my life, Memphis and a random song that popped on my MP3 player, I may not be here to write this.
2012.
I am not that person anymore.
I don’t know who he was or where he went, but that person is gone. That scared, weak, depressed, ugly and unsure person is gone.
Today, I am self assure and I don’t doubt myself. I say what comes to my mind and if people don’t like it. Well, that’s their problem.
I will never let another human being, thing, or bad decision change who I am, and make me take the most precious thing to me for granted ever again.
My life.
I took back my life. I make my life, what I want it to be. I am reminded to never forget that time, but to grow from it. To never let those awful things happen to me again, to remember my roots
and remain the person that I am destined to be. I am reminded every time I look at the tattoo on my left wrist.
“So Simple”
I have the most undeniably, remarkable and phenomenal people in my life. My partner, my family and my friends. They make me a better person, they make me want more in life and they give me hope.
Now you all know why that one song and that singer mean so much to me. If it weren’t for that song, that singer and a little Chihuahua named Memphis.
Like I said, I wouldn’t be here to type this.
All my love,
Nick xoxo
P.S I learned how to smile again, haven’t faked it since 08 <3
