So Simple to me...

I've been wanting to blog for a while. After thinking long and hard today about what I wanted to post. I felt I needed to finally write about a certain time in my life that many people
don’t know about.

I’ve shared so much over the years. And it’s time to tell my story, to tell my truth.

I was talking to a dear friend today and I told her this story. I thought to myself “This is what I am going to write about tonight, this is going to be my writing inspiration”.

So that’s exactly what I am going to do.

This may be long and windy. Hopefully by the end of it, you will understand some things.

Especially my idolization of Stacie Orrico.

Many people don’t know about this time in my life. I didn’t want to be exposed, didn’t want my secret to be told.

That was then, this is now.

I am at the point in my life that I have nothing to hide, I have grown, soared beyond any mountain. Throw any wrench in my path, and I’ll find the right direction. Tell me I can't do something, and I'll prove you wrong.

I am secure, confident and I know who I am. I make no apologies for it either.

It's my story to tell.

2008.

One of the hardest,darkest and saddest times of my life.

See, I am really good with putting a smile on my face. I can honestly say, I have perfected it.

During this time, my life was spiraling down fast. I felt as though I lost the battle, I lost pretty much all of my faith, hated myself and was on the verge of something really bad. I had nothing, so therefore I had nothing to lose.

It wasn't just one thing, it was a spiral of unfortunate events.

Sitting in a dark basement, sewage spilling from the drain hole, dirt, grime, sadness, depression.
That was my days and nights when I wasn't with my best friends or with my brother and his family. I sought solace wherever I could find it. Too scared to leave and way too dumb, I stayed.

Until one night when I had enough. I was planning my great escape. I knew I was done and it was time for me to go. I would do whatever I had to do. I was ready, right? That was until the next day, my car died. Along with my hopes to get away. So again, I stayed.

Like I said, I am really good with that smile. Pretty convincing, huh?

The things I endured that year I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. In the matter of months, I lost alot. I lost myself respect, dignity and my future. I didn't know what was next for me, but I knew it wouldn't be good (then).

I started sleeping in my office, afraid to go home and face whatever was going to be thrown at me. I stayed in my office for a couple weeks. Evening staff assumed I was working late, I wasn't.

I was living in my office.

Shower before anyone showed up, set the alarm on my cell phone, make sure I hid my stuff and was ready before anyone could find out.

That could only go on for so long.

I stayed at my best friends a few times throughout that time, but she was starting a new life. She
was getting married. I couldn’t interfere with that. I couldn’t burden her with my problems.

I took to inviting myself to my brothers. I didn’t have a car, I didn’t have anywhere clean to sleep, andI needed to be with people who loved me. I stayed there as long as I could, or shall I say till I was “forced” to come home, I can’t even call it home. It was pure hell. I was promised “Change” and all that butterflies and cupcake bullshit, and yet I believed it and it never changed.

I endured more and more and more and more. I stayed 3 more months. Hoping for change, praying for God to make it all stop, wishing on stars that never came through. I needed a fork
stuck in me, because I was DONE.

Problems got worse, words became harsher and a hand around your throat will make you want to do something, something that you can’t take back.

There I was sitting in that dark, sewage filled, depressing, sad ass basement. I thought “What can I do to make this all stop?” Lots of things ran through my head, things that I don’t even want to remember. I sat there, staring down at my little Memphis, crying. I thought “What if I did “this”, did “that”. My mind was racing a million miles a minute. I had to make all the silent noise stop. I laid on the sofa bed, and I turned on my MP3 player. For some reason unknown to me. Maybe
it was fate, maybe it was Gods words, maybe it was just something that had to happen. But my MP3 player played the song “So Simple” by Stacie Orrico, over and over again. As I laid there contemplating my future, the lyrics struck me and I had to really pay attention to the song. I had to keep rewinding it. It became really clear to me. The lyrics stuck out, like a light from above.

“I’ve Got one (one) life (life) to live (live)
It's only what you make it (make it)
Every new day's a chance worth takin

True to life, true to me
The way it's got to be
So simple, so simple, so simple
Live to love, love to be
Absolutely free
(so simple, so simple, simple)

So Simple to me”

I knew what I had to do…

The next day I made my plan. In the afternoon I called my brother and sister in-law and told them I was leaving and I needed some place to live. They said, “Absolutely”. I called my best friend that night and told her to be at my house the next morning, that I was done and
I was moving out. She doubted me, I mean I would have too. I had let this go on and I left and always went back. This time, I was done. I grabbed my Mom’s ashes and I packed my clothes, camera, cell phone, memory box, a few boxes and my Chihuahua. I left everything else behind. It was ALL mine. The house, the furniture, the TV. Everything, it was all mine and it didn’t matter anymore. I didn’t need any of it. I didn’t want to fight for it, I didn’t want to leave worse that I already was.

That was my final straw.

I took all I could take and I wasn’t taking anymore. The best decision I ever made. If it weren’t
for the people in my life, Memphis and a random song that popped on my MP3 player, I may not be here to write this.

2012.

I am not that person anymore.

I don’t know who he was or where he went, but that person is gone. That scared, weak, depressed, ugly and unsure person is gone.

Today, I am self assure and I don’t doubt myself. I say what comes to my mind and if people don’t like it. Well, that’s their problem.

I will never let another human being, thing, or bad decision change who I am, and make me take the most precious thing to me for granted ever again.

My life.

I took back my life. I make my life, what I want it to be. I am reminded to never forget that time, but to grow from it. To never let those awful things happen to me again, to remember my roots
and remain the person that I am destined to be. I am reminded every time I look at the tattoo on my left wrist.

“So Simple”

I have the most undeniably, remarkable and phenomenal people in my life. My partner, my family and my friends. They make me a better person, they make me want more in life and they give me hope.

Now you all know why that one song and that singer mean so much to me. If it weren’t for that song, that singer and a little Chihuahua named Memphis.

Like I said, I wouldn’t be here to type this.

All my love,

Nick xoxo

P.S I learned how to smile again, haven’t faked it since 08 <3

Chicago or Bust...

The girls and I went on our trip to Chicago, it was
seriously an adventure.

289 miles, 4 days, 3 best friends and LOTS of laughing.

What kind of shenanigans could we get into?

These will be a bunch of mini stories of our trip.

“No Coat”

Well, it started at a truck stop somewhere in Michigan (I am
no GPS). Before we stopped I told Megan that she could use my coat as a blanket
as she was cold, she looked through the backseat and couldn’t find it. Melissa
decided to stop at a truck stop, so we could look in the trunk and pee. Melissa
checked the trunk, guess what? No, coat! Yea, I totally forgot my coat at home
in my kitchen. I can seriously be a blonde at times. I did purchase a seriously
cute coat in Chicago and it only cost me $30.00. I do love a good sale.

“That sounds good”

We stopped in Michigan City to gas up and get something to
eat. We decided to eat at Steak N Shake. Melissa ordered a #1 (Wisconsin) and I
ordered a #3 (Frisco) Megan says in the deepest, manly voice “That sounds good”
she was so serious. After laughing, Melissa asks Megan “What do you want Megan?”
what does Megan order?? She says “I’ll just have chili”. I guess you had to be
there, it is one of our new sayings. “That sounds good”. LMAO!

“Roof for 11 points”

We were relaxing in our hotel room. Melissa was on her
laptop, Megan was on her phone and I was on Melissa’s Kindle. Megan was playing
Words with Friends, I noticed Melissa had the app on her Kindle and decided to
play it (I have never played it). The only word I could make was ROOF for 11
points. I thought that’s a good number, I submit it and Megan starts laughing
hysterically. Melissa asked her why she was laughing and Megan says “Nick just
got 11 points for ROOF on Words with Friends, YOUR Words with Friends”. Melissa
yelled at me to get off her Words with Friends and to NEVER in my life play it
again. I said “I got you 11 points and it was a double word!” Melissa proceeds
to tell me that I suck at it and that I need to learn how to play the game.

“Portillos and a tray”

We ate at the Chicago famous “Portillos”. Lots of famous
people have dined there and the owner is friends with some big names. Well, we
order our food and have to wait at a window to pick up our food. I notice that
Tess and Melissa received their food in a bag, so when I got my food that
waitress lady asked me “To go or here?” I said “To go, please”, Megan RUDELY
interrupts us and says we are eating here, so I say ok and the lady puts my
food on a tray the size of a XXXL pizza. I look at Megan and say “Seriously”.
Megan starts laughing at me. We sit down at the table and of course Megan is
laughing and when Melissa and Tess seen me with this BIG ASS TRAY, they start
laughing and ask me “Why do you have that tray?” I tell them Megan told the
cashier that we were eating here. I was the only moron in the whole place with
this tray and looked like a huge fatty. Thanks Megan.

I LOVE WOODFIELD MALL! ENOUGH SAID!

“Jordan”

Friday was the night of the concert (the reason for the
trip)in Joliet (I guess if you are a local you reference it as Toilet. The
concert was decent. The concert in Detroit was 100% better. We did have a blast
though. We were literally 10 people from the stage. Jordan girls are CRAZY! The
room was packed and I could barely scratch my butt if I needed too. Melissa was
in her daze again. Every time she sees that man, her eyes glaze over and she
has the smile of a child on Christmas morning. Every conversation consisted of
the word “What” because after the show we were all deaf.

“Downtown with a bean, old man, OPRAHHHHHHHH and getting
jacked for $20.00 bucks”

We started Saturday morning in down town Chicago. Melissa
and Megan have been there MANY times and usually park in the same lot. Well Melissa
had seen a lot that said $13.00, and decided to park there. This guy walks in
front of the car and asks us if we want to park there. Melissa says yes and
hands him a $20.00, expecting $7.00 in change. Melissa asks the guy for her
change and he tells her it’s $20.00 and the $7.00 is for Illinois taxes and
blah blah blah and slides a parking ticket in the window. We proceed to the
parking garage and see a sign that says “Please pay at the office when leaving
and that they are an AUTOMATED service and not to pay humans”. Well aren’t we about
dumb?, LOL. The manager of the parking garage said it happens a lot and
credited us for being ganked. My only desire was to go to the BEAN. It’s this
huge mirror shaped BEAN in the middle of Millennium Park right on Michigan Ave.
We went to the BEAN and took some pictures. I was a happy boy. The entire time
we were down town I yelled “Opppprrraaaahhhhhh”, I never did find her. We also
ran into an old man in a kilt. I never got his name, so I named him Grandpa
Larry. I asked him if I could take a picture with him. Of course he obliged.
Grandpa Larry seen that we had Starbucks cups in our hands and proceed to tell
us that he drinks Starbucks 4 times a day or 4 times and hour, I was too busy
pondering asking him what he wore under his kilt. Chicago is an awesome city. I
can’t wait to go with Mike.

“50 questions with two 7 year olds”

Ya’ll know I like to ask kids the weirdest questions, so I ask
Makayla (Tess’s boyfriend’s daughter) and Valerie (Danielle’s daughter) if they
have jobs. Valerie proceeds to tell me she works for T-Mobile. Danielle
explained that Valerie thinks she works at T-Mobile and was fired because
Danielle grounded Valerie from her bike and Valerie couldn’t drive to work. She’s
7, how the hell does she know about T-Mobile? I asked them so many questions
that I exhausted myself. Then we played school and I got A+++++++++++ forever
for my artist skills and that I could spell my own name. I am never having kids
=)

“Boys Town”

The girls and I decided to go to Boys Town (the gay
district). We started our night at “Circuit”. It was a cute bar, but there were
100’s of Latino men and they only played Latino Techno. We danced a little bit
and decided it was time to find a bar with music we could understand. Megan
used the bathroom and seen a sign while exiting the bathroom. It basically said
“Circuit, Largest Gay Latino Bar on Halsted”. Of course we had to find the non English
gay bar. We left there and went to “Hydrate” or as I like to call it “Hydrant” obviously
because I can’t read (lol). It was a cool bar. One of the Drag Queens is a contestant
on RuPauls Drag Race. It was a really chill atmosphere, other than the blood
all over the floor. The bar had dancers, and I talked Megan into tipping one of
the guys. It took some pushing, but she did it. Megan walks up to the dance box
and asks the guy “Can I give you a dollar?” the stripper grabs his waist band
to let Megan give him the dollar. What does Megan do? She sticks the dollar in
his SOCK, yes SOCK. The SOCK attached to his leg that his FOOT is in. The
stripper had to sit down because he was laughing his ass off. Melissa and I
died laughing. Megan walks back to us and the stripper yells “Hey Blondie” so
Megan turns around and he mooned her. That’s what she gets for tipping him in
his SOCK. We had a blast in Boys Town. It is such an openly gay, friendly and
super clean area. NOTHING like Detroit bars (sorry Detroit, but its true).

We had MANY more funny stories, but it would take me another
hour to write them all out. We had an amazing time and I am so blessed to have
shared this experience with my best friends. I can’t wait to go back! Thank you
Melissa, Megan, Tess and Danielle for an amazing weekend. Lord knows I won’t
ever forget it. SENTSATIONAL time I say! (You had to be there for our other
*NEW word).

Till next time,
Nick xoxo